what night is gonna bring...it'll be all over...in the morning...
oh how i wished those words were so true. but they arent. i wanna live in my fantasy life so badly, yet, im stuck in reality. my words are merely just letters because i dont know where to turn, or how to take action. yet i hurt, yet i smile, i hurt and i smile some more. i pray, i think before i react, but my anger is soooo much on the verge of doing something so drastic.
the fact that mommy struggles, kills me! if only she knew how much i hurt just because she struggles...just because i dont see her cry, she pretends everything is okay, but inside i know. i know, i feel when shes hurt. the fact that daddy doesnt do shyt hurts me even more. how can you call yaself a man, and dont do what a man is supposed to? when was the last time you paid a bill? washed a dish? treated ya wife to something? i'll wait...
oh please, that nigga is a disgrace, and i hope i never have a husband like that...i want a man who is going to be a man. someone who is willing to be a real man, taking care of his responsibilities, his family, working and providing. someone who is a friend before anything, a husband and a caring father.
i dont understand how people who have it so good. a good loving family, a good job, put themselves in predicaments where they dont appreciate things. it hurts! it hurts! some nights i cry. some nights i dont pay attention to whats around me because the animocity builds up, and i realize that some days, things will not go the way as planned.
some days, i just wanna go back to the days where i didnt have a care in the world. where i didnt have to look over my shoulder, didnt have to pay for anything. and i wish i could go back to the days when my family knew what it really meant to be family! where we werent scattered, we all got along. but i guess all of that goes out the window when you grow up, when you realize that things will never be the same.
i seen a picture of my family from graduation, still then, things werent perfect, but it damn sure felt like it. living my fantasy life in reality form, we all seemed happy. but i wasnt, i didnt get what i wanted that day. i cried on my graduation night because my sister left out the restaurant we were in to go talk on the telephone with her boyfriend instead of spending time with me on my day! ughhhhh why cant things go back to the way they used to be? why cant we all be happy. yet, my heart is still breakin...
*NOTE: graduation june 2007...*
freeMYbrotherFUZZ.....
i miss him so much. he was the only one that knew me like my mother did. he was always there for me no matter what. he kept it real with me no matter what and thats why i love him! all i have of him physically is my nephew. and i love my booka so much, i just wish i could hold my brother one more time! i havent hugged my brother in almost a year! i laugh, i joke, i speak to him, but his presence and his touch is something that i need in my life right now. he was more like a father figure in my life than my own father...i love you brother with everything i have, everything thats mine, everything i am!
well. ima stop here because im over here boo hoo crying, running nose & all that other crap...
they say god is not gonna put no more on you than you can bare...*sighs*
it'll be all over...in the morning....
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