amazing grace...

shall always be my song of praise. for it was grace, that brought me liberty. i do not know, just why he came to love me so. he looked beyond, all my faults & saw my needs.

have you ever had a day where everythin to go wrong?

obviously

sometimes we want things that may not be right for us. but when you're in love you seem to look over the [O B V i O U S] youre not changin & i know that you love me, but this thing aint going the way i planned...

i thought this guy was different. thought everything would be the all [c o o c h i e CRUNCH] but i guess he will be another NiGGA in my book. i knew he wasnt what i needed mentally, physically and emotionally, let alone spiritually. but i needed this badBOY sexually, and thats why we [C L i C K E D] *sighs* i didnt wanna be hurt again. but im not hurt, because this really doesnt bother me as much as i thought it would *KANYEshrug*

for you i will...

anytime the times get too tough. anytime ya best aint enough. ill be the one to make it better.



so there has been a lot of things going on in my life since the last time i wrote my expressions and feelings on here. my uncle was killed and after that everything went downhill. from school. to my job. to family. even my truck smh.
but im tryna get back on track with this journey i call life...

i gotta thang for you...

for you baby, dont wanna take it slow, i wanna get to know.
dont wanna play no games, listen to what im sayin...


to myCHiPMUNK,

where do i begin? these past 2 months have been nothing but laughter with you. when i thought i would never even [LiKE] a person, here you come along making me laugh and smile. when we're together, we're all we see. ughhh i hate you! lol you got me wide open. dont wanna rush anythin because the [FRiENDSHiP] we have is dope. i mean look at us, we're [twoPRETTYdope] people lol. niggas ive dealt with inna past were whack when i look back at the things that i couldve done a lot differently, but didnt. dont look at it as regrets, just look as it as a way in maturing and growing. learning to let things go, and not caring about anybody but [tresz] but this is hard, i dont wanna fall [A G A i N], just that this [L i K i N G] thing with you is kinda pissin me off! didnt expect to like again. when im with you, i enjoy ya [PRESCENCE], ya company, ya laughter, ya smile. everytime you smile it does something to me. ugh wtf am i gonna do? im not supposed to feel like this at all son. not at all. when i leave you, i feel so sad, miss you even more than when i was with you. its that [COMPLiCATED] and yet its so freakin [S i M P L E] ahhhhhhh and to think that you were the person i turned down so many times before! lol just thinking about that shyt makes me GiGGLE...well only time will tell...

[pe.es] & all these feelings for you that i have i cant hide. people say dont get down w/you but i know how i feel for you...[down&DiRTY]

working on [tresz]

its hard for me to say ima change. because im not, there isnt anything wrong with me, some things i just need to work on. for instance, my attitude is not the best, but it is a lot better than what it was before. i can work on biting my tongue just a little bit more, but thats never gonna change. i have that spunky attitude that has always been with me.

im REAL what more can a person ask for? how much [B L U N T] do ya want me to be? lol
anywho...i just realize and see a lot of things on faceBOOK, twitter, and even in person. people seem to be so concerned about what others may think of them, they change, and try to "FiT" in, but in all actuality theyre not happy with themselves. so they do dumbSHiT and by them doing that, they are making a complete F O O L outta themselves and it pisses me off...that is all...

but all in all, i cannot change them, only they can. today was cool. slept until like 1-ish, then i went to perthAMBOY and then LiNDEN back to perthAMBOY soooo yea lol im type tired drivin all that way lol

&& i start [SCHooL ToMoRRoW] and im type excited...with that being said...GOODNiTE =]

[pe.es] those who bring unnecessary attention to themselves are only upset with who they are as an individual---tresz

aint no need to worry...

what night is gonna bring...it'll be all over...in the morning...

oh how i wished those words were so true. but they arent. i wanna live in my fantasy life so badly, yet, im stuck in reality. my words are merely just letters because i dont know where to turn, or how to take action. yet i hurt, yet i smile, i hurt and i smile some more. i pray, i think before i react, but my anger is soooo much on the verge of doing something so drastic.

the fact that mommy struggles, kills me! if only she knew how much i hurt just because she struggles...just because i dont see her cry, she pretends everything is okay, but inside i know. i know, i feel when shes hurt. the fact that daddy doesnt do shyt hurts me even more. how can you call yaself a man, and dont do what a man is supposed to? when was the last time you paid a bill? washed a dish? treated ya wife to something? i'll wait...

oh please, that nigga is a disgrace, and i hope i never have a husband like that...i want a man who is going to be a man. someone who is willing to be a real man, taking care of his responsibilities, his family, working and providing. someone who is a friend before anything, a husband and a caring father.

i dont understand how people who have it so good. a good loving family, a good job, put themselves in predicaments where they dont appreciate things. it hurts! it hurts! some nights i cry. some nights i dont pay attention to whats around me because the animocity builds up, and i realize that some days, things will not go the way as planned.

some days, i just wanna go back to the days where i didnt have a care in the world. where i didnt have to look over my shoulder, didnt have to pay for anything. and i wish i could go back to the days when my family knew what it really meant to be family! where we werent scattered, we all got along. but i guess all of that goes out the window when you grow up, when you realize that things will never be the same.

i seen a picture of my family from graduation, still then, things werent perfect, but it damn sure felt like it. living my fantasy life in reality form, we all seemed happy. but i wasnt, i didnt get what i wanted that day. i cried on my graduation night because my sister left out the restaurant we were in to go talk on the telephone with her boyfriend instead of spending time with me on my day! ughhhhh why cant things go back to the way they used to be? why cant we all be happy. yet, my heart is still breakin...

*NOTE: graduation june 2007...*

freeMYbrotherFUZZ.....

i miss him so much. he was the only one that knew me like my mother did. he was always there for me no matter what. he kept it real with me no matter what and thats why i love him! all i have of him physically is my nephew. and i love my booka so much, i just wish i could hold my brother one more time! i havent hugged my brother in almost a year! i laugh, i joke, i speak to him, but his presence and his touch is something that i need in my life right now. he was more like a father figure in my life than my own father...i love you brother with everything i have, everything thats mine, everything i am!

well. ima stop here because im over here boo hoo crying, running nose & all that other crap...
they say god is not gonna put no more on you than you can bare...*sighs*

it'll be all over...in the morning....

my conscience is fuckin with me...

so ive came to a conclusion that on 12.12.09 i made a bad mistake by kissin this friend of mine whom ive liked since 1.24.09. like hes always made an attempt to get with me, but ive always had a boyfriend lol and now that neither one of us are in a relationship, we're just cool. we chill, we laugh, we joke, all those things friends do...


on 12.17.09 at my birthday celebration, we took a picture together, and he kissed me. & boy oh boy did people black. they speculated like crazy. im just like wtf? like why are you ridin mySACK? and i really dont have a cock lol but im just sayin hopOFFmySWAGGGGGGGGGGGG that is all...

*NOTE: the pictures everyone kept talking about, theres a video also lol*


this picture was a part of the video. dancing to dj wallah's hit it to the beat lol

but this shawty that he had...shes literally pissing me off, and shes bout to make the beast come out lol. i mean its like whats the point of you askin me all these questions if youre not gettin any answers from me nor him? and i mean he aint my boyfriend, but ive learned "you snooze you loose" lol

like im just not understanding this situation at all! i wanna answer so badly...
im just confused because im not understanding this whole situation, i feel like im inna middle of it all even though really im not because shes not really a friend, more like an associate. idk, i feel as though i need to leave him alone until he gets his baggage situation lol but until then, still [LEMMEfreakingBEAT] lol



like dont call me ya freakin BOOSKiE or BOO or whatever if im nothing but just a friend with relations. maybe im overanalyzing this situation a lil too much, but something has to give...but today really did it for me. like he's myCHiPMUNK so im not understanding whats the problem. lemme pray before i react inna way i really dont wanna...

no resolutions..

the new year is comin and im not plannin on doing much. resolutions are whack. theyre like promises...if you can keep them, then whats the point? seems like ive lost so much this year!

oh em gee...i have the weirdest shyt going on in my life right now...

secret love by kelly price is playin right now as i type this blog =]
i love this song, i love REAL music....
i MiSS REAL MUSiC....

this bull crap they play on the radio is WHACK!

i cant hide the way im feeling [i N S i D E] the pain is killin me cuz i wanna let the world know its you im [L O V i N]

people are gettin a lil outta hand...ex boyfriends are ridiculous...friends are jerks. associates are even bigger ones. family is still the same...lovin and supportin me unconditionally!

ugh i need to update my ipod because my old ipod somebody stole...and 188 songs on there so far isnt gonna do a damn thing for me lol

christmas was ok, i cried...this is the FiRST christmas EVER that ive been away from my brother...and it kills me...effs me up deep inside...to the point where i wanted nothing, wanted to take all gifts back, wanted to cry all day and lay in a fetal position in my bed in the dark!

so where do i go from here? 2009 has been nothin but hell for me well at least sometimes..

i lost my brother due to someone else's stupidity. i fell in love quickly, fell out of it slowly. i lost my best friend due to the love. got into a car accident & STiLL suffer back pains from it. drove from maryland for the first time. i cut my hair! learned that some friendships are not meant to be broken [tink & shake] *tears* and those that disappeared were never meant to be. learned that everyone is NOT my FRiEND once again....& majority of those people are people that ive known for years and years. i guess they say its true when you NEVER really know a person =[

my heart ♥ got broken...my ex boyfriends want me back. im tired of it all! i cant hide from my feelings anymore, but im over the "boyfriend" thing. if it happens, it does. but not anytime soon. more focused on makin [tresz]™ happy =] there are girls that dont like me...dudes dont like me...and this is over people i dont even go with lol idk im not worried...just tell em why you mad son? lol oh yea & i gave a [F R i E N D S H i P] a chance with someone who i paid no M i N D too! glad i did what i did, cuz i cherish his friendship with everything we share & i mean everything from the laughs, layin on his chest while we watch tv, hugs, and enjoying his company PERiOD.

its out in the [O P E N] our cover is [B L O W N] && i dont care who really knows...

awwwww you're mad?---theres an app for that!

& yes those are my REAL eyeLASHES ; -)

what hurts the most...

is letting go. i just want you to know that i love you so...

listening to alotta love songs. thinking and comtemplatin so much that i cause myself to have headaches! ahhhhhhh ughhhhhhhhhh *sighs*

so these past 3 and a 1/2 weeks have been nothing but sleepless nights. fighting and arguing with just about everybody. ahhhhh but im on the way back to being my OLDself! when things didnt matter to me and neither did people if i knew they aint give a flying fig bout me...

school is outta control...my english teacher wants the most work done! and it is outrageous. i have so many projects to do and stuff that this makes me just think about how much more work ima have to put in next semester...oh boy...i am not gonna have a life AGAiN! lol

btw im thinkin bout movin downsouth...maybe after christmas/before the new year. or maybe after the spring semester is over with. i need a new change, a new environment...or maybe i just need a vacation! lol

so on 11.18.09 i wrote a poem that depicts on what i was going through...

what hurts the most...

what hurts the most is...letting go.

but this time it doesnt hurt me at all.

ya wanted me out ya life. so there you go.

ya lies...everything youve said...now out the window.

our friendship was supposed to be so much more than that.

never friends i suppose? you will always have a special place in my heart.

but this shyt...i gotta let it burn.

i couldnt keep waiting around, and after 3 weeks..thats too much time.

especially for the love we had.

so im happy for you and i wish you the best of luck in all ya endeavors.

what we had was special.

didnt mean what i said when i was angry.

i enjoyed all the times with you both good and bad.

i stuck with you through it all.

but what hurts the most, is realizing i just lost my best friend.

i dont understand the whole situation, so i guess ima just think some more pray some more & love some more...

[pe.es] ima make this list and i hope the good outweighs the bad just so i can see the outcome =]

to be continued...

you got me waitin...

but i cant keep waitin on you....



all i want is a definite answer because i cant take this no more.

i refuse to accept "friendship"

cuz thats not me. thats not us...

this cant be life. this cant be love. this cant be life. theres gotta be more. this cant be us.---jay z

i cant keep waiting on someone who isnt willing to be there for me. someone who contradicts his words with his actions. everything that ive been through...everything we've been through. i dont know...this is gonna take a lot of thinkin and shyt...

to be continued...

and it kills me...

to know how much i really love you.

so much i wanna ooo ooo ooo...

to you hoo hoo

[it kills me by melanie fiona]

i actually learned that song in a day. when melanie fiona's video aired on 106andpark that day, i was literally in tears by the end of the video. those of you who do not know the video or the song, please listen to it. her cd comes out november 2nd i believe.

the song is so deep. and it means so much to me, especially with all im going through right now. im [B A F F L E D] to the point where my body is still numb from those words he spoke. i still wanna be held by him. i wanna kiss his lips. i wanna see him smile, and i wanna be able to tell him how much i love him [F A C EtoF A C E] but it seems as if that isnt gonna happen, because i died once the word [S E P A R A T E D] was spoken. i cannot take this pain. the illusions were apart of something that once was. ugh god this is outrageous i have no reason to live it seems.

i wrote something a lil while ago that reads...

it kills me to the point where my body is still numb from those words you spoke.
it kills me because i love you so much yet, i have an urge to wanna leave for good.
it kills me because the other part of me still believes in the love and bond we share.
where do i go with this? should i do something drastic to see how he'll react to my love? i wanna be his baby, i wanna have his baby. i wanna spend the rest of my life with him. i dont wanna let go, and i hate the test that we're going through because this whole ordeal baffles the hell outta me. i cant bare this pain, its unbareable. the stress can sometimes be a killer. i miss him more and more each second that passes. each minute that goes by. each day that i dont get a chance to talk or spend time with him hurts, but im the one to blame. i got so immune to giving my all, when he slacked. i got immune to loving him so much, that he didnt always meet me half way. why does it kills me? why do i love him so much? why does love hurt so badly? why does it feel like my feelings arent being known by him? i feel like a dummy, thinking it was different...come back because this pain i feel is killing me softly...

it kills me to know how much i really love you...

i dont know where to turn right now.

i dont know what to do.

my mind is blank. my actions are on the verge of being so drastic.

that i dont think i would care about the outcome later.

i hate how much i love him. i cant stand how much i need him.

damn i wished i had my ipod. niggas are TRiFE. someone owes me a new ipod.

anywho

i cant stand the fact not speaking to him.

i cant stand missin him so much that it makes me cry.

i cant stand the fact that i cannot be feeling like this again =[

they say ima sucka for love.

but good love, i am a sucka for.

this song also reminds me of RL's good love<3<3

i could count the lovers that i had. and all of those relationships gone bad.

i wanna thank you for loving me and showing me love.

i was just a boy and not a man. & falling deep in love was not the plan.

baby because of you and what you do.

you make me a [goodMAN]

i can literally hear his voice telling me this things, because he has told me before.

but this feeling i canNOT and will NOT take much longer.

i just wished everything was back to NORMAL.

omg both songs brings me to tears everytime i see the video or hear the song.

i wanna do a youtube for both videos. i wanna sing, but i dont wanna cry. i know ima cry lol

its not that im so emotional, but then again maybe i am. but its the fact that i love this guy so damn much.

i want the laughs.

the smiles. the tears.

all of the joy, and all the hugs and kisses.

i want him to grab me from behind and hold me tightly

and say those words "baby i love you" or "i missed you so much"

the thing about this guy, is that i never thought i would fall in love [AGAiN]

especially since ive been hurt so many times before.

i was vulnerable after breaking up with my ex, but i was SURE&&READY to be in a relationship with him because he was all i wanted, all i deserved, all i needed.

my love isnt for anyone but HiM and it will be like that for ETERNiTY!

its all because of you you you you you...

youre the reason ive given love another chance.

the reason why i love you. the reason why i smile.

the reason why ive accepted change, the reason why i worked on my attitude

& why im STiLL trying to gain patience.

i refuse to end on bad terms, and i refuse to have him out my life completely.

that shyt will KiLLme to the point where life will really be worthless.

i was told at one point LOVE is the Loss Of Valuable Energy

but when i started messing with him, all of that energy that i loss, came back

sorta destined i guess?

it seems like i have everything...

good health, going to school, working, a loving and supporting family, but without you...

there is no me. i dont wanna be lonely. i want you. i cant even pretend that i have everything

because in all ACTUALiTY, i have nothing because you are apart of me baby.

without you...my life is incomplete
[sisqo]

ugh...to work i go...even thought i dont feel like it. but i thank god for my job.

i just want all of those feelings back...

i cried while writing this.

just doesnt go to show how much i care, but how much i really love you.

its like the feelings never left, but i want you HERE with me PHYSiCALLy.

emotionally im drained.

i just need you.

i want you.

i love you.

just gimme my baby....

*NOTE: there are no pictures because even the pictures make me cry*

[pe.es] "you may not be perfect in many things...but many things cannot be perfect without you"---anonymous

seems like...

everyone i love is slowly fadin or disappearin from me & im soooo not feelin it.
first my brother...and i miss him every seconds of the day, all 24 hours, all 7 days.
nothin can stop the bond me and him share. thats my best friend to the end.
i have a closer relationship with him than my sister. i love him so much!
it hurts for him not being here with me physically everyday like he was.
in due time all of this will end.

i just dont get why people cannot understand why they mean so much to me?
i mean all my life, well as long as i can remember, is i always had a hard time expressin myself.
a hard time expressin my emotions like everyone else.

some cry, some weep, some moan...

but i was just different, there was weirdness...strange ways...

& im almost 20 years old, and nothing has really changed.

i went to my cousin's baby shower today. she looks happy.

im happy the way my life is right now, minus the mishappenings here and there.

but kids arent on my agenda right now.

my godbrother [PiSSED] me the eff off a little while ago when he told me i cant have a baby?

ARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF? PARDON? EXCUSE ME? COME AGAIN? JUST SAY WHAT YOU JUST SAID ONCE MORE FOR ME...

no one said anything when he had a baby in high school years ago.

i mean, no one told you that you couldnt have a baby!

so why would you tell me something like that?

that just pissed me off.

well gonna go pick myBABy up from work...

work hard, play tough, rewarded in the end...

so this week has been tough, but this weekend has be tougher! thursday starts my weekend, and i didnt feel good at all. between the weather and travelin back and forth to school and stuff. its tiring. i guess my body was tired from runnin. this week i received an B+ for my civilizations essay, & a B- for my social problems essay..hard work pays off. even tho my mom thinks i do absolutely NOTHiN but stay on aim, facebook & chat all day and night long lol

FRiDAY came and went.

woke up early to take jodi to meineke. lady rammed into the back of my truck in august. and they thought she only did minor damage to the bummer but in all reality she messed the middle of my truck up to the end of the truck [underneath] including body work. i was supposed to go to the metropolitan musuem for my civilizations class but that never happened. she cancelled the class cuz she had a meetin to go to so now we have to go there NEXT WEEK! oh yea & i got my hair done just the way i said...i like it =]

*NOTE: i was not usin the toliet. i was jus sittin on it. the bathroom is like my only privacy*

SATURDAY...

myMOMMy left me along w/the nephews & my sister for the weekend for the [RACE FOR THE CURE WALK] in BALTiMORE for breast cancer. my family does it annually together w/theBALTiMORE crew =] this year i couldnt make it =[

i had a social problems essay to revise. a 6-12 pg book analysis for my psychology class on "whatever happened to daddy's little girl" by jonetta rose barras & i have a midterm comin up on tuesday -_-

i went to myBOYFRiENDs goddaugthers birthday party. shes a cutie patutie =] it feels good to be accepted into the family of [mySiGNiFiCANTother] i love his family just like i love mine altho i havent met everyone just yet. i had a WONDERFUL DAY & NiGHT with myLOCKy!

SUNDAY...

it is currently rainin and has been rainin for the pass couple of days now. i hate gloomy weather cuz all i wanna do is sleep! and i have things to do today. im gonna go to church in a lil while. unless i fall back to sleep or something. no one called me soooo yea lol gonna revise my essay tonite before i completely give up on it lol

follow me on...

[twitter.com/hissloski]

yessssssss i know im supposed to be studying and shyt. but im into the awards lol

didnt see my boo trey songz...waitin to see him when it comes back on at 12...then goin to sleep

buttttttttttttttttttttt...

so im supposed to be doing a psychology quiz online for extra credit. but my head is really bothering me. it itches so badly. i dont think i can wait until saturday to get my hair done. lol
im thinking about a sewn in with straight hair like how i had for my thanksgiving/my birthday last year. i havent had straight hair since april [other than right now]

i just dont have the time to sit down for about 4 hours for braids/kinky twists or anything of that nature lol

so im going back and forth doing this quiz for extra credit. i have to finish well retype my english essay...ugh i so hate this professor. he makes me furious! he's beyond sarcastic...he curses so much in one sentence...and thats so unprofessional!

guess ima finish his shyt during my break tomorrow. i gotta 8a class tomorrow...and im sleepy.

i finished my psych quiz...and only answered 3 questions lol blame it on me not gettin any sleep!

& booka is STILL UP! ughhhh gonna try & put him to sleep...until next time...

[pe.es] "sometimes we hurt the ones that never have any intention on hurtin us, but then we end up bein the most hurt of them all...grrrrr"---sloski

feels like im in crazy competition with the past

...thats why i gotta ask...is anythin im doin brandnew?

ugh the reason why i have been feeling so damn down is because???

i have everythin i want, need and desire in a boyfriend but most importantly, a best friend.

why do i feel like this? is it because we dont see each other as much because our schedules are a conflict?

i find myself talkin to other people via phone or text messaging
but then i find myself talkin to other male friends all of the conversations are DEAD!
feels like im trying to hard sometimes to keep him happy and satisfied. yet i dont wanna miss him too much..even though thats what i end up doing at the end.

is anything im doing brandnew?

in past relationships, i was the one ALWAYS giving my ALL.

no one was willing to meet me half way.

no one was fully acknowledging the fact that a relationship was a [TWOwaySTREET] either.

love isnt all that blind.

and neither is it all that complicated.

ive gotten immune to this feeling of being fully loved by him.

immune to the talks, the play fights, being in his arms, kissin him regardless of who's around.

even him tellin on me when i get outta hand lol

but most of all, when he says i love you and mean it!

is anything im doing brandnew?

this here is suttin personal. i highly doubt this feeling is reversible. knowledge is apart of pain & boy it hurts to know...

i cant even find, the perfect brush so i cant paint whats going through my mind.

racing against myself but ima couple steps behind.

thats why i gotta ask...is anything thing im doing brandnew?

i guess being appreciated for one is brandnew

and having someone who feels the same way about me like i do them

but all in all it STILL feels like its something missin from this ordeal

like theres something that im not doing right and its just causing me to over analyze things.

maybe im wrong about this whole situation.

but it feels as if im trying to be better than who i was in my past relationship

to keep [HiM] satisfied

to keep me believing that there's something missin.

something im doing wrong.

i so wished that i knew what this feeling really is.

or even how it came about.

i can truly say that i love this guy with everything that i have.

i appreciate everything that he does for me even the little things

but this feeling of me missing something is beyond crazy

i have never felt like this not even once since ive been with him

ughhhh the things that love makes you do and say or even feel

is beyond my imagination, its beyond my thoughts.

dont even know how im gonna pull this one together, but eventually, i will.

what i love the most about this guy...is that he's always been a friend first before anything!

on my way to pick up my baby now just so we can eat brownies together =]

yea ima loser so what!

but the best feeling is knowing that im his one and only loser

[pe.es] mission accomplished

---the feeling is gone!

how many of us have them...friends?

fabolous said it the best...
"a thug changes and love changes and best friends become strangers, pachangas pa-pa-pachangas , pa-pa-pachangas "---pachangas

there's these 2 girls ive known since freshman year of high school.

2003 was when i first met them.

and over the summer, ive stopped talkin to them

i felt our friendship dyin.

as if the knife i stabbed them with, i turned on myself and killed myself for a moment.

i didnt know what to do, i didnt know what to say.

i was going thru soooo much between my own relationships with those i call my relatives

and on top of that i had my own problems.

i couldnt stand to be around anyone, cuz i was being so anti social.

i wanted everythin to go my way.

if it wasnt gonna happen my way then i didnt want it to happen at all.

so finally we made up after a couple of weeks of bein separated.

we decided to go to webster hall 9.24.09 & boy oh boy we had so much fun.

what happens at WEBSTER HALL stays at WEBSTER HALL =]

from the strippers. to the stalkers.

to the 2 niggas that were arguin to dance wit me

the drunk dudes in the basement lol

i had a fun night.

not to mention because of SHAKIE we missed the first train back to JERSEY CITY! lol

then being w.myBAYbee that same night was dope =]

too bad i had my moms car, cuz i woulda def stayed the night.

there's no rush because i already made up my mind that i wanna spend the rest of my life w.YOU

LOVE [Loss Of Vaulable Energy] aint always COMPLiCATED...

never in a million years i thought i would be inLOVEagain.

but it was WORTH every minute to know that i am more happy w/you

&& thats the way i wanna keep it...

ended the night with my besties

soon we shall do it again

& i cant wait

BLAhhhhhhh where did the time go?

so my last blog was 8.31.09 smh that goes to show that i dont have time for anythin. lol

school. work. study. more school. more work. more studyin.

and it feels like i am getting NOWHERE!

ughhhh i wished everything would just slow down just a little.

i thought this weekend i would relax, but i have a psychology exam monday.

a paper due for english monday

and ive had the worst thursday 10.8.09 ever!

now i see why i just do me on campus, go to class/work/study

and dont associate myself with others especially in the sense of group work

i had to do a 5pg paper by myself because my "partner" never did anything to help.

ughhh talk about nerve wreckin.

so from 9.1.09 up until 10.10.09 i have been on the grind w/school minus the lil slackin here and there lol

to be continued...more to come

my journey is about to take place...

tomorrow, 9.1.09 i will embark on a new journey. a journey that i cannot let anyone or anything to bring me down. i have so many people to thank and to all those who have had something positive to keep me sane to make sure that i never gave up. it was prophesied to me that i will let go a lot of old things, including people who will try to bring me down in the next year. so my eyes are wide open to who's real and who's counterfeit. everyone isnt my friend. seein things from all perspectives now. people are plottin and just tryna wait for me to fail. but failure isnt final, but ferterlizer because i will become more of a beautiful creation than i already am. i just love the fact that i have a family that are always supportive and always supportin me through out everythin. i dont know where this year is gonna take me, but i know it will take me somewhere great. right now all im thinking about is school, work and my family. no need to say what about your boyfriend for you nosey people who have been ALL in my business LATELY with the rumors of me expecting and other bull. i guess its true when they say people will talk about you good or bad. i am so grateful to have REAL friends! and those who are fadin remember you will need me before i need you. watch how you will see a change. numbers have been deleted. aim screen names, letting go of childish things and movin on to BIGGER & BETTER THINGS.

bend but dont break

sometimes i sit in my room all by myself thinkin of ways to make the time fly.

waitin for brighter days as if i were still a lil child.

they say the older you get the more responsibilites you have.

my attitude is ambivalent. my mind is confused. my heart has so much love.

but there are days when i still have the blues.

i feel like an outcast cuz at times i can be a tad bit anti-social.

exaggeration procrastination and sarcasm is a must.

while i give grimey looks and the hostility builds up.

no one understands because i dont take the time to communicate.

jus keepin everythin bottled up while my mind, body and soul suffocates.

friends come and go. family members the same.

heart felt gratitude and still dont have anythin to conclude.
feels like im dyin inside. although blood is runnin through my veins.

so i smile although the pain still remains.

through trials and tribulations im still optimistic.

theres much pressure on this black girl to not be another statistic.

the one who is unemployed, pregnant & drops outta school.

but mommy definitely didnt raise no fool.

livin in a sheltered box, where my dreams are shattered.

this egotistical world where the white supremacy still occurs.

where the judicial system sucks, and amendments arent fulfilled.

where drugs and crime take over the city where i once lived.

but mentally my mind is in another place. on a hiatus far from my current status.

i have been through so much to not try to accomplish the goals ive set.

whether i fail many times, ima dust myself off and try again.

my words fly on paper as if im an eagle soarin high.

to express myself verbally helps, although i still cry.

sometimes i dont know where to turn, dont know what to do.

this life i have so many people try to have an analytical view.

but no one knows really what ive been through.
in my mind are vivid pictures, great imagery although my imagination fades.

bend but dont break is all i keep hearin mommy say.
but mommy cant see that she raised me the right

although i put a good fight. gotta make mommy proud is all i wanna do.

bend but dont break cuz i cant fail this time.

gotta lot to accomplish in this life of mine. bend but dont break cuz i gotta be strong.

jus tryna figure out where things all went wrong.

bend but dont break is all mommy say.

mommy ima bend but i promise i wont break.

[pe.es] "the proper office of a friend is to side with you when you are in the wrong. nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right."---mark twain

family matters

over this past weekend, i had a chance of bein with my family. we only see each other like this once a year. thats right, youve guessed correctly...family reunion. during the memorial service of those who have passed before me ive realized how great it is to be apart of a legacy that will live on forever. my family is 8 generations and counting, beginning in the 1800s. god is so good, to have blessed my family up until this time.

i honestly dont think anyone has family like mine. we treat everyone the same even if they have ridiculed our name, have tossed us in the dirt. those who have back stabbed us on more than one occasion. but through it all, god sees and hears all.

family is so important to me. friends come and go, but family stays forever. even after those ancestors are long and gone. cherish every moment that you have. dont hold grudges, and try not to catch an attitude over things that you have no control over. and the things that you have control over, if you fail, or make a mistake, learn from that experience. we are only human. we are not perfect, but imperfect we are.

sometimes, we all take things for granted. but as im maturin, i realize that it is too late in the game to start actin like a lil child. i cant go back to my childish ways, because i left those days behind once i started college. i may slack here and there, but i plan on doin what i need to, to accomplish any goals that i have on my list to achieve. i am gonna be somebody.

[pe.es] reach one...teach one---anonymous