and it kills me...

to know how much i really love you.

so much i wanna ooo ooo ooo...

to you hoo hoo

[it kills me by melanie fiona]

i actually learned that song in a day. when melanie fiona's video aired on 106andpark that day, i was literally in tears by the end of the video. those of you who do not know the video or the song, please listen to it. her cd comes out november 2nd i believe.

the song is so deep. and it means so much to me, especially with all im going through right now. im [B A F F L E D] to the point where my body is still numb from those words he spoke. i still wanna be held by him. i wanna kiss his lips. i wanna see him smile, and i wanna be able to tell him how much i love him [F A C EtoF A C E] but it seems as if that isnt gonna happen, because i died once the word [S E P A R A T E D] was spoken. i cannot take this pain. the illusions were apart of something that once was. ugh god this is outrageous i have no reason to live it seems.

i wrote something a lil while ago that reads...

it kills me to the point where my body is still numb from those words you spoke.
it kills me because i love you so much yet, i have an urge to wanna leave for good.
it kills me because the other part of me still believes in the love and bond we share.
where do i go with this? should i do something drastic to see how he'll react to my love? i wanna be his baby, i wanna have his baby. i wanna spend the rest of my life with him. i dont wanna let go, and i hate the test that we're going through because this whole ordeal baffles the hell outta me. i cant bare this pain, its unbareable. the stress can sometimes be a killer. i miss him more and more each second that passes. each minute that goes by. each day that i dont get a chance to talk or spend time with him hurts, but im the one to blame. i got so immune to giving my all, when he slacked. i got immune to loving him so much, that he didnt always meet me half way. why does it kills me? why do i love him so much? why does love hurt so badly? why does it feel like my feelings arent being known by him? i feel like a dummy, thinking it was different...come back because this pain i feel is killing me softly...

it kills me to know how much i really love you...

i dont know where to turn right now.

i dont know what to do.

my mind is blank. my actions are on the verge of being so drastic.

that i dont think i would care about the outcome later.

i hate how much i love him. i cant stand how much i need him.

damn i wished i had my ipod. niggas are TRiFE. someone owes me a new ipod.

anywho

i cant stand the fact not speaking to him.

i cant stand missin him so much that it makes me cry.

i cant stand the fact that i cannot be feeling like this again =[

they say ima sucka for love.

but good love, i am a sucka for.

this song also reminds me of RL's good love<3<3

i could count the lovers that i had. and all of those relationships gone bad.

i wanna thank you for loving me and showing me love.

i was just a boy and not a man. & falling deep in love was not the plan.

baby because of you and what you do.

you make me a [goodMAN]

i can literally hear his voice telling me this things, because he has told me before.

but this feeling i canNOT and will NOT take much longer.

i just wished everything was back to NORMAL.

omg both songs brings me to tears everytime i see the video or hear the song.

i wanna do a youtube for both videos. i wanna sing, but i dont wanna cry. i know ima cry lol

its not that im so emotional, but then again maybe i am. but its the fact that i love this guy so damn much.

i want the laughs.

the smiles. the tears.

all of the joy, and all the hugs and kisses.

i want him to grab me from behind and hold me tightly

and say those words "baby i love you" or "i missed you so much"

the thing about this guy, is that i never thought i would fall in love [AGAiN]

especially since ive been hurt so many times before.

i was vulnerable after breaking up with my ex, but i was SURE&&READY to be in a relationship with him because he was all i wanted, all i deserved, all i needed.

my love isnt for anyone but HiM and it will be like that for ETERNiTY!

its all because of you you you you you...

youre the reason ive given love another chance.

the reason why i love you. the reason why i smile.

the reason why ive accepted change, the reason why i worked on my attitude

& why im STiLL trying to gain patience.

i refuse to end on bad terms, and i refuse to have him out my life completely.

that shyt will KiLLme to the point where life will really be worthless.

i was told at one point LOVE is the Loss Of Valuable Energy

but when i started messing with him, all of that energy that i loss, came back

sorta destined i guess?

it seems like i have everything...

good health, going to school, working, a loving and supporting family, but without you...

there is no me. i dont wanna be lonely. i want you. i cant even pretend that i have everything

because in all ACTUALiTY, i have nothing because you are apart of me baby.

without you...my life is incomplete
[sisqo]

ugh...to work i go...even thought i dont feel like it. but i thank god for my job.

i just want all of those feelings back...

i cried while writing this.

just doesnt go to show how much i care, but how much i really love you.

its like the feelings never left, but i want you HERE with me PHYSiCALLy.

emotionally im drained.

i just need you.

i want you.

i love you.

just gimme my baby....

*NOTE: there are no pictures because even the pictures make me cry*

[pe.es] "you may not be perfect in many things...but many things cannot be perfect without you"---anonymous

seems like...

everyone i love is slowly fadin or disappearin from me & im soooo not feelin it.
first my brother...and i miss him every seconds of the day, all 24 hours, all 7 days.
nothin can stop the bond me and him share. thats my best friend to the end.
i have a closer relationship with him than my sister. i love him so much!
it hurts for him not being here with me physically everyday like he was.
in due time all of this will end.

i just dont get why people cannot understand why they mean so much to me?
i mean all my life, well as long as i can remember, is i always had a hard time expressin myself.
a hard time expressin my emotions like everyone else.

some cry, some weep, some moan...

but i was just different, there was weirdness...strange ways...

& im almost 20 years old, and nothing has really changed.

i went to my cousin's baby shower today. she looks happy.

im happy the way my life is right now, minus the mishappenings here and there.

but kids arent on my agenda right now.

my godbrother [PiSSED] me the eff off a little while ago when he told me i cant have a baby?

ARFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF? PARDON? EXCUSE ME? COME AGAIN? JUST SAY WHAT YOU JUST SAID ONCE MORE FOR ME...

no one said anything when he had a baby in high school years ago.

i mean, no one told you that you couldnt have a baby!

so why would you tell me something like that?

that just pissed me off.

well gonna go pick myBABy up from work...

work hard, play tough, rewarded in the end...

so this week has been tough, but this weekend has be tougher! thursday starts my weekend, and i didnt feel good at all. between the weather and travelin back and forth to school and stuff. its tiring. i guess my body was tired from runnin. this week i received an B+ for my civilizations essay, & a B- for my social problems essay..hard work pays off. even tho my mom thinks i do absolutely NOTHiN but stay on aim, facebook & chat all day and night long lol

FRiDAY came and went.

woke up early to take jodi to meineke. lady rammed into the back of my truck in august. and they thought she only did minor damage to the bummer but in all reality she messed the middle of my truck up to the end of the truck [underneath] including body work. i was supposed to go to the metropolitan musuem for my civilizations class but that never happened. she cancelled the class cuz she had a meetin to go to so now we have to go there NEXT WEEK! oh yea & i got my hair done just the way i said...i like it =]

*NOTE: i was not usin the toliet. i was jus sittin on it. the bathroom is like my only privacy*

SATURDAY...

myMOMMy left me along w/the nephews & my sister for the weekend for the [RACE FOR THE CURE WALK] in BALTiMORE for breast cancer. my family does it annually together w/theBALTiMORE crew =] this year i couldnt make it =[

i had a social problems essay to revise. a 6-12 pg book analysis for my psychology class on "whatever happened to daddy's little girl" by jonetta rose barras & i have a midterm comin up on tuesday -_-

i went to myBOYFRiENDs goddaugthers birthday party. shes a cutie patutie =] it feels good to be accepted into the family of [mySiGNiFiCANTother] i love his family just like i love mine altho i havent met everyone just yet. i had a WONDERFUL DAY & NiGHT with myLOCKy!

SUNDAY...

it is currently rainin and has been rainin for the pass couple of days now. i hate gloomy weather cuz all i wanna do is sleep! and i have things to do today. im gonna go to church in a lil while. unless i fall back to sleep or something. no one called me soooo yea lol gonna revise my essay tonite before i completely give up on it lol

follow me on...

[twitter.com/hissloski]

yessssssss i know im supposed to be studying and shyt. but im into the awards lol

didnt see my boo trey songz...waitin to see him when it comes back on at 12...then goin to sleep

buttttttttttttttttttttt...

so im supposed to be doing a psychology quiz online for extra credit. but my head is really bothering me. it itches so badly. i dont think i can wait until saturday to get my hair done. lol
im thinking about a sewn in with straight hair like how i had for my thanksgiving/my birthday last year. i havent had straight hair since april [other than right now]

i just dont have the time to sit down for about 4 hours for braids/kinky twists or anything of that nature lol

so im going back and forth doing this quiz for extra credit. i have to finish well retype my english essay...ugh i so hate this professor. he makes me furious! he's beyond sarcastic...he curses so much in one sentence...and thats so unprofessional!

guess ima finish his shyt during my break tomorrow. i gotta 8a class tomorrow...and im sleepy.

i finished my psych quiz...and only answered 3 questions lol blame it on me not gettin any sleep!

& booka is STILL UP! ughhhh gonna try & put him to sleep...until next time...

[pe.es] "sometimes we hurt the ones that never have any intention on hurtin us, but then we end up bein the most hurt of them all...grrrrr"---sloski

feels like im in crazy competition with the past

...thats why i gotta ask...is anythin im doin brandnew?

ugh the reason why i have been feeling so damn down is because???

i have everythin i want, need and desire in a boyfriend but most importantly, a best friend.

why do i feel like this? is it because we dont see each other as much because our schedules are a conflict?

i find myself talkin to other people via phone or text messaging
but then i find myself talkin to other male friends all of the conversations are DEAD!
feels like im trying to hard sometimes to keep him happy and satisfied. yet i dont wanna miss him too much..even though thats what i end up doing at the end.

is anything im doing brandnew?

in past relationships, i was the one ALWAYS giving my ALL.

no one was willing to meet me half way.

no one was fully acknowledging the fact that a relationship was a [TWOwaySTREET] either.

love isnt all that blind.

and neither is it all that complicated.

ive gotten immune to this feeling of being fully loved by him.

immune to the talks, the play fights, being in his arms, kissin him regardless of who's around.

even him tellin on me when i get outta hand lol

but most of all, when he says i love you and mean it!

is anything im doing brandnew?

this here is suttin personal. i highly doubt this feeling is reversible. knowledge is apart of pain & boy it hurts to know...

i cant even find, the perfect brush so i cant paint whats going through my mind.

racing against myself but ima couple steps behind.

thats why i gotta ask...is anything thing im doing brandnew?

i guess being appreciated for one is brandnew

and having someone who feels the same way about me like i do them

but all in all it STILL feels like its something missin from this ordeal

like theres something that im not doing right and its just causing me to over analyze things.

maybe im wrong about this whole situation.

but it feels as if im trying to be better than who i was in my past relationship

to keep [HiM] satisfied

to keep me believing that there's something missin.

something im doing wrong.

i so wished that i knew what this feeling really is.

or even how it came about.

i can truly say that i love this guy with everything that i have.

i appreciate everything that he does for me even the little things

but this feeling of me missing something is beyond crazy

i have never felt like this not even once since ive been with him

ughhhh the things that love makes you do and say or even feel

is beyond my imagination, its beyond my thoughts.

dont even know how im gonna pull this one together, but eventually, i will.

what i love the most about this guy...is that he's always been a friend first before anything!

on my way to pick up my baby now just so we can eat brownies together =]

yea ima loser so what!

but the best feeling is knowing that im his one and only loser

[pe.es] mission accomplished

---the feeling is gone!

how many of us have them...friends?

fabolous said it the best...
"a thug changes and love changes and best friends become strangers, pachangas pa-pa-pachangas , pa-pa-pachangas "---pachangas

there's these 2 girls ive known since freshman year of high school.

2003 was when i first met them.

and over the summer, ive stopped talkin to them

i felt our friendship dyin.

as if the knife i stabbed them with, i turned on myself and killed myself for a moment.

i didnt know what to do, i didnt know what to say.

i was going thru soooo much between my own relationships with those i call my relatives

and on top of that i had my own problems.

i couldnt stand to be around anyone, cuz i was being so anti social.

i wanted everythin to go my way.

if it wasnt gonna happen my way then i didnt want it to happen at all.

so finally we made up after a couple of weeks of bein separated.

we decided to go to webster hall 9.24.09 & boy oh boy we had so much fun.

what happens at WEBSTER HALL stays at WEBSTER HALL =]

from the strippers. to the stalkers.

to the 2 niggas that were arguin to dance wit me

the drunk dudes in the basement lol

i had a fun night.

not to mention because of SHAKIE we missed the first train back to JERSEY CITY! lol

then being w.myBAYbee that same night was dope =]

too bad i had my moms car, cuz i woulda def stayed the night.

there's no rush because i already made up my mind that i wanna spend the rest of my life w.YOU

LOVE [Loss Of Vaulable Energy] aint always COMPLiCATED...

never in a million years i thought i would be inLOVEagain.

but it was WORTH every minute to know that i am more happy w/you

&& thats the way i wanna keep it...

ended the night with my besties

soon we shall do it again

& i cant wait

BLAhhhhhhh where did the time go?

so my last blog was 8.31.09 smh that goes to show that i dont have time for anythin. lol

school. work. study. more school. more work. more studyin.

and it feels like i am getting NOWHERE!

ughhhh i wished everything would just slow down just a little.

i thought this weekend i would relax, but i have a psychology exam monday.

a paper due for english monday

and ive had the worst thursday 10.8.09 ever!

now i see why i just do me on campus, go to class/work/study

and dont associate myself with others especially in the sense of group work

i had to do a 5pg paper by myself because my "partner" never did anything to help.

ughhh talk about nerve wreckin.

so from 9.1.09 up until 10.10.09 i have been on the grind w/school minus the lil slackin here and there lol

to be continued...more to come